First of all, let me just say that this post is in no way influenced by the fact that I've had a lazy couple of days recently which have culminated in me watching all available episodes of the latest series of Don't Trust The B... In Apartment 23 online.
Ok, well maybe just a little bit.
I'll admit it, I have a kind of weird relationship with this show, in that I'm pretty sure I binged on the first season online over a few days too when it came out... I want to say a year ago? Year and a half? Whenever it was, I watched one episode on UK TV then sourced the rest of the already-broadcasted ones from the US online and had a B... fest. It's better than binging on carbs, is all I'm sayin' (not that I don't do that too. Sometimes at the same time as a TV binge - but I digress.)
Weird relationship nonewithstanding, I honestly 100% think that Chloe (who, according to both Wiki and IMDB has no surname - how badass is that?!) should be your spirit animal. If you haven't seen the show (and why not? As I've just proven, it's all there online for your enjoyment! Ok, I'm going to shut up now), Chloe is the 'B...' of the title. She is basically a sociopath who cons innocent young girls into being her roommate for a week then pissing them off so much they leave and she gets to keep their deposit and ruins someone's life annually for a Halloween prank. She goes on week-long benders, sleeps with random men and doesn't remember their names, and never wears underwear. Krysten Ritter, the actress who plays her, described her as "if Holly Golightly and the devil had a baby - that would be Chloe".
Give me a Breakfast at Tiffany's reference and I'm all yours.
But that shouldn't put you off choosing her to be your soul inspiration. And I'mma tell you for why:
1. Chloe has no inhibitions - she does exactly what she wants, when she wants, and screw anybody who wants her to do something else or tries to get in her way. In real life most of the stuff she does would end up with her being somehow reprimanded and maybe even prosecuted slightly, but it's TV, so no-one gives a damn. I know that I, for one, could do with a little screw-you attitude every now and again. Obviously, there's a line between being self-assertive and selfish, but I think too often too many of us are afraid of where that line is and end up putting up with things we're not happy with in order to not appear selfish. Chloe is a massive narcissist, and doesn't give a flying fuck what anybody thinks about her (more on that in a minute) so she doesn't mind being thought of as selfish. If you take her on as your spirit animal, maybe some of that carelessness can rub off on you, and you can start putting yourself first every now and again - as long as it's not all the time, or at the expense of other people's feelings then it's ok. If they're your friend, they should understand that you need to do things just for you every now and again - in fact, they should encourage it! Get ready for some serious cheese: if only one person in the world can love you, that person should be you. And that love should take whatever form you want it to take (not in that way, you dirty minded little scoundrels!). Be selfish sometimes.
2. Chloe doesn't give a fuck - she doesn't. You can think she's a bitch, a slut, a People Magazine editor, she doesn't care, as long as you're thinking about her. You know when you're out and you want to do something stupid, but you're worried people around you will laugh? Or when you buy something new that's a bit 'out there' and it sits unworn in your wardrobe forever, feeding off your guilt, because you're afraid that if you wear it out you'll attract unwanted attention in the way of smirks and muttered comments? Spirit Animal Chloe will sit on your shoulder like the devil she is and tell you to wear it anyway, because who gives a damn? If people are staring at you, let them. You've got better things to do and bigger things to worry about than the opinions of some random nobodies you'll never meet again. Stop caring what they think.
3. Tall Slut No Panties - this is the name of the Japanese graphic novel based on Chloe. Yes, that bitch has a comic book about her life. What did you do today? Chloe never wears her undies - I'm not suggesting you follow suit. We all remember the pictures from that terrible time that Misses Lohan and Hilton and their cohorts decided to forgo underwear in the name of tabloid attention, and no-one wants to link themselves to that look (do they? I hope not). Somehow - presumably because it's a sitcom, and television networks tend to actively avoid broadcasting images of their star's ladybits - Chloe manages to stay classy while commando (which would be an excellent name for a band, or a self-help book, or basically anything - suggestions welcome in comments), but that doesn't mean you can. However, Spirit Animal Chloe can still inspire you with her 'Shitagi Nashi' ('no panties') ways - she can help you create a signature look. It could be red lipstick (classic), always wearing something blue (dedicated), or wearing turnip earrings (Luna) - I know that I, personally am a little bit obsessed with having some signature identifier. I don't know why I want people to remember me by one particular thing, but I do. To me, it seems a little bit fabulous and Old Hollywood to be identified instantly by something as subtle as your signature perfume or your ubiquitous scarf. As I've already said, Chloe manages to be classy with her signature look - you can be too. (NB: She also wears a lot of dark, vampy lipstick so that could also be her signature look, but I feel that's not as dramatic an intro).
4. Chloe parties like a rockstar - constantly. I'm not suggesting you carbon-copy her and giver yourself a liver disease or a hernia or an STD or whatever. That would be a bad idea. But she does know how to have a good time, and she lives for it. Why? Because she's young, and what else should she live for? Obviously if you have work or school or uni or similar things then they should always be your priority - most of the time. But as my Dad once pointed out to me, there's only so much time you get to be young and free and able to go crazy (that's not exactly how he put it, but it's more relevant this way) before you get a 'proper' job or you have a child or even just get into a serious relationship - basically, live as fully as you can before you find yourself with responsibilities that can curb your crazy.
5. "Ladies, that is how you should dress" - says Chloe's stalker to June (her straight-laced roommate) and her friends after they hang around the suspicioucly-large-and-well-decorated-apartment-seeing-as-these-girls-aren't-meant-to-have-much-money one day in matching pink pilates t-shirts. Chloe's style is a fabulous mix of one part legs to two parts classic with a dash of fun. Shake that up, add a garnish and pour it into Chloe's favourite cocktail glass and you get a pretty hot look. It doesn't hurt of course that Krysten Ritter is stunning, but really Chloe's style could work on anyone with enough attitude to pull it off. Her go-to look is a bodycon dresses/skirts with a cropped jacket, but she also wears a lot of jumpers, and anyone with a soft spot for knitwear gets a gold star in my book. Let Spirit Animal Chloe help you put together ensembles like these:
Source: neon tommy - has a whole article about the fashion of both main characters on this show, well worth a read.
I also have to give her hair an honourable mention here, because as with Zooey Deschanel's in New Girl, I have a whole separate girl crush here that focuses on hair alone. Despite not being as deceptively long and mane-like as other TV coiffs (I'm looking at you, Pretty Little Liars), this hair still has enviable swish. I am lacking in swish myself, and when I watch this show I'm in fits of swish-envy. Swish. Also, I love that she quite often has her hair up, just because of the reality of it (though as I've already pointed out, there are a lot of other unrealistic elements to this show, but let's face it, we don't watch television to be reminded of our own lives. I had a whole lecture once in drama about how hyper-realistic theatre is numbingly boring to watch because nothing happens - but that is not what this post is about. Student-me out!) - I have really thick hair and although I like the idea of always wearing it down, in reality it annoys me and gets in my way and itches at my neck and I just want to swoop it up. I'm really going to have to work on getting my ponytails to looks as shiny and bouncy as both gal's on this show, though.
And that is why this bitch should be your spirit animal.
In a nutshell, she's outrageous. She does terrible things and gets away with them - and everyone around her still begrudgingly loves her. You don't want to be her - especially if you're not a fictional character, but you want her to be your Spirit Animal. You want her to be sitting next to you at the bar, urging you to do one more shot and then go talk to that guy who's been eyeing you up, even if he's not really your normal type. You want her to be the girl sitting outside the changing room, bored, flirting with herself in the mirror and telling you to hurry up and buy the damn dress, never mind how much it costs or if it makes your belly bulge (that's what spanx are for!) because she's bored now and it's time to move on to the next fun thing. You want her to be feeling just as crappy as you do after a heavy night out, suggesting you either drink hair of the dog or go back to bed with bacon, tea, and DVD's instead of urging you to get over it and make the most of your day.
You want her, dahlings, to be your spirit animal. Case made. Now go watch episode 4 of series 1. It has the most spirit animal vibe.
EDIT: 1. About 24 hours after I wrote this, I found out the show had been cancelled. THIS IS A TRAVESTY!! and 2. I can't believe I wrote this entire guide without mentioning that Chloe's best friend is James Van Der Beek, who is famous for being in Dawson's Creek, which is a little before my time - but still. You guys. Her best friend is a famous ex-teen star. Bitch should BE YOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL!